Eyes drift shut and I lose the fight again. Anxiety weighs down every cell of my heart, and pulls me down by my chest. I wake up on the ground and all my muscles pull inward, as if trying to return to the fetal position. As if I have the option to restart. Go back, change things. Then the anger kicks in, the fight or flight response. I clearly just tried to fly away but I don’t have wings so I guess that only leaves fighting. But fighting takes energy. It takes skill and endurance. The balance between listening to what someone next to you is saying while remembering to breathe and distracting yourself from the urge to throw up or scream or both. This balancing act fatigues my muscles and sends me to the floor, exhausted. The mustard gas of thoughts fogs up my mental windshield and burns into my eyes.
Then comes the attack.
Someone is screaming, later I’ll find out it was me. The voices yelling over me are actually whispers of demons. “You can never escape the pain, all you can do is ignore it for a little while.” I whip my head around and my fingers tighten around whatever unfortunate object is around. industrial fans are on full blast in my head, making everything spin. Each fiber of my shirt is sharp as glass and gracefully removes my skin, leaving behind drops of blood. My back aches as I hit the nearest wall, trying to steady myself I slid down the wall like the forgotten slime and muck they tell me I am.
Everyone has a number of heartbreaks they must endure, I tell myself. This checks off a box for me.
I wait until the shaking has stopped , I wait until I can feel the bruises I gave myself, I wait until physical pain seeps back in, that’s how I know the emotional pain is fading. I stand on wobbling knees, looking in the mirror. My body looks like me but my eyes don’t, I have hell eyes. Demon eyes. That’s where I hide my scars. It isn’t until later I notice the black marks surrounding the eye socket. Walking out of wherever I am, I hear a voice to my left,
“You need to let things go.”
And to my right,
“Just get over it”
“Stop being anxious.”
“Just calm down, don’t stress.”
Win the war before you tell me how to fight mine.
ThoughtOutlet 