Because You Just Don’t Get It

 

I remember the first time I got hit on, I was 12, he was in his late 20s. When I didn’t reciprocate his affection and attention, (out of shock, mostly) he flashed his bare behind at me and my mother. I’m talking werewolf howlin’ full moon. The whole exchange didn’t take more than a minute or two and I was completely speechless from start to finish. Now, we laugh about this experience but at the time I remember my inner dialog from that night.  Mostly, I was concerned that the rest of my life (or at least the next 20 years) was going to be spent fending off men like this while trying to maintain a polite and pleasant personality. Well, the bad news is that I was correct that night. The good news is that women are very supportive of each other. Following the examples of the strong women around me, I learned the tricks of the trade. Here are a few of my favorites:

-Laugh

-Walk Away

-Respond with my age (this only works if you’re underage)

-Nod really sarcastically

There are a million more ways to deflect the situation but I tend to prefer the non-confrontational tactics. In my opinion, the most common tactic is one that every girl I know has mastered. I call it “distract and escape” this tactic is essentially what it sounds like, although it can be executed in endless varieties. Picture this: you’re minding your own business at a grocery store, looking through something really important, like the hot  chocolate mixes, when a sweet old man walks past you. You make eye contact and smile because you like smiling. He suddenly changes his course to come stand next to you and starts making conversation.

“Hiya, sweetheart,” he slurs while resting his hand on the shelf next to you, knocking over a canister or two.

You press you face into a quick closed-mouth smile and return the hello with a short “hi.” Looking down, you start to make your way away from the forgotten drink mix to find a more populated isle.

“Do you have any tattoos under that shirt?” He tilts his head to side to look innocent while raising his overly bushy eyebrows.

Stumbling over words, you respond, “Ah- I, um, no, I don’t have any tattoos.”

“A body like that with no ink! What a shame, babygirl. You know I do my own tats sometimes, I can hook you up. It doesn’t even hurt that much, but you gotta get it somewhere covered by clothing, y’know, so you can still get a job.”

Now, at this point he has taken several steps closer to you when you spot whoever you came with crossing to the next isle. Making the signature, “I need help” face, you raise your eyebrows as high as they will go and widen your eyes to an awkwardly large size. An obviously fake half-smile climbs your face while vigorously nodding along with whatever the guy is saying at the current moment. As your rescuer sees this distress signal, she or he will rush over and exclaim your name, “There you are, we are so late, we gotta go!”

The man, now annoyed, looks to your savior and says something along the lines of, “Well I was just telling this little miss-”

“That’s great, but we gotta go. Bye!” Your friend, parent, partner, etc. cuts in and you two speed away.

I used a grocery store as the example but this exchange happens every time I leave the house (Like I said, there are tons of variations) Once, I was mourning at a funeral home when one of the employees started chatting me up about how much he enjoyed my outfit (what) The point is that women travel in groups for a reason, and if you aren’t on her side, calling these men out, you Just. Don’t. Get. It.

I want to include a quick reminder of my thoughts on feminism, see this post for more information.  Men are not the enemy. That’s ridiculous, and a sad way to live your life if you ask me. Neither men nor women are inherently bad because of their gender. No one owes you something because another member of that gender wronged you in some way.  Several of my male friends have stood up for me when guys get creepy and they have defended the human rights of other women because yo, we are still human, even after we grow tits.

I would also like to defend this man in my example. Although, what he said was sexist and inappropriate and crude, not every one who participates in conversations like these is aware of the things they are doing and saying. (although being called “babygirl” by a stranger is never okay) If you read this and think you may have said something similar to this example, or if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the “distract and escape” tactic, you are not necessarily a bad person. Self-awareness is the key to respecting other people the way you expect to be treated. Really, just because you don’t get it, doesn’t mean you can’t get it.