Stop Saying “They”

I’m sure they didn’t mean anything.

I don’t think they knew.

They are just ignorant.

They always say that.

They are so dumb.

They are tearing this nation apart.

They are less than us.

When addressing a group separate from yourself, how do you define that group? By gender, race, age, personality trait, number of chromosomes, etc. These are things commonly discriminated against, right? But really, anything that you perceive to be different from you is a group that can be described as “them” or “they”.

For example, I have green eyes and reddish brown hair, therefor, if I am talking about blondes as a group I would refer to them as “they”, wouldn’t I? Hence, “they probably have special hair care for their blonde hair.”

Which, is harmless, right?

Word choice can change what we are saying dramatically. It’s the difference between saying, “I’m sorry I’m late.” And, “Thank you for waiting for me.” While there is a place for both statements, one has a negative connotation while the other is generally positive. By saying “I’m sorry,” I choose to highlight my negative action or quality, which is not a bad thing, there are lots of times where apologizing is not only appropriate, but essential to a degree.

Now if I choose to say, “thank you,” instead, that is the opposite of sorry, it highlights a positive action or quality of the other person. While saying sorry is a life skill that lets others know you understand the fault in your actions and will work to be better in the future, if we develop a pattern of highlighting our shortcomings, our overall image becomes tinged with this negative lens.

This is just one example of how word choice changes us over time, but it can also be instant. If we look to child-rearing, or more specifically,  how we speak to children, we can see lots of opportunities to shift our word choice. Saying, “just stop crying,” is a world away from saying, “tell me why you’re upset.” Phrasing what you need to say in a positive way as often as possible not only changes the lives of the people you interact with, but it changes your view of yourself. It can remind people that they are just as human as you are, and help show them the respect they deserve for being human.

Using the word “they,” isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but just like any word it is important to be acutely aware of what it means and how it is used. “They” being a separate group from yourself, it’s often an active distancing from a select group in order to dehumanize them. It is a tool to generalize people, and like any tool, it isn’t good or bad, it simply depends how you use it.  So, no, don’t stop saying they, just be careful with the tools you use.